Some days I’m afraid of heights, of flying in an airplane or losing a loved one.
Some of days I’m afraid of a being called on in class, not knowing what to say and embarrassing myself.
Some days I’m afraid of germs, of touching door handles and breathing contaminated air.
My fears are rational. My fears are irrational. And like everyone else, I manage them on daily basis, trying to enjoy the world around me.
But today, my fear comes wrapped in Tim Hortons packaging…
A fear that sometimes engulfs me when I sit down to a meal…
To some, it’s just sustenance — it’s their breakfast or their lunch, their fuel to power them through the day…and many times, I wish I could think the same way.
But to me, it means so much more. It’s “unhealthy”, it’s “carb-loaded”, it’s a reason to eat all the high calorie foods I can get because I’ve now blown my healthy diet.
It’s a reminder of my all or nothing mentality. A reminder of the days when I’d feel like a failure for not eating a salad instead. A reminder of all the other food I’d punish myself with because I had one bagel.
But today, I had one bagel.
I had one bagel and realized that it wasn’t the end of the world. That it wasn’t a good enough reason to grab some poutine, scarf down a bowl of pasta and follow it up with a muffin.
Today I had one bagel and I enjoyed it.
And I can now sit in my own skin, without burning in the regret of binge caused by my fear of screwing up. I can now move through the rest of the day with a stable mind and a body that does not feel overloaded and fatigued by an inordinate amount of food.
I can continue to strengthen my belief in a future where I am not gripped by disordered eating and the guilt and shame that come along with it.
Today I can celebrate this little victory, put it in my pocket and move forward with a little extra inspiration and motivation for the decisions ahead.